Growing Kindness – Tips for Parents
Many schools and other organizations across Canada recently recognized Anti-Bullying Day (a.k.a. Pink Shirt Day). On this day, students and others who participate wear pink, to symbolize taking a stand against bullying.
To truly reduce and stop bullying, we need to focus on its opposite: kindness. Fostering kindness in our kids is one of the most effective things we can do to prevent bullying in its many manifestations. In addition, research shows that growing kindness is one of the most powerful tools available for growing kids’ (and adults’) happiness and emotional well-being.
In keeping with these aims, here are seven evidence-based tips for growing kindness in kids:
Tip #1: Help your kids develop a caring identity. e.g., “I saw you help your brother, you are such a kind person.” Helping your child develop and embody an identity that includes “I am a person who is kind” goes a long way in ‘solidifying’ kindness in your child so that it becomes a lasting trait.
Tip #2: See the good in your kids. Research shows that kids are intrinsically altruistic, even at a very young age. (i.e., we are born kind.) Society is still playing catch-up with this scientific knowledge; many of us still catch ourselves sometimes assuming the worst in others. Kids respond to our expectations. As parents, recognizing kids’ capacity for kindness – seeing the good in them – will help the goodness to flourish.
Tip #3: Foster opportunities to be kind, and talk about the good feelings that come from being kind. Encourage your kids to engage in opportunities to practice kindness, and to reflect on how being kind made them feel. As an example of this, we have Kindness Buckets in every classroom at my kids’ elementary school this year, as part of our Year of Kindness initiative. Kids are regularly drawing kindness slips to act upon that say things like “Do 5 different kind things today,” “Say something nice to someone” and “Invite a student you don’t usually play with to join you at recess.” Parents are being encouraged to help their kids reflect on being kind by asking them about these school activities and how being kind made them feel.
Tip #4: Maximize support & minimize punishment. Your kids may not be kind every moment of every day. When “stuff happens,” try adopting a compassionate, supportive approach rather than a punitive one. e.g., “Wow, for you to do this, there must really be something going on. What’s up?” (supportive approach), vs. “To your room!” (punitive).
Tip#5: What not to do: Rewards. Research shows that extrinsic rewards actually decrease kids’ altruistic behavior. A ‘thank-you’ and appreciation for kind behavior is great – e.g., “Wow, that was so helpful when you helped me carry the groceries..” However, external rewards such as money, candy or toys have been shown to decrease kids’ natural helping behaviour.
Tip #6: Model Kindness and Caring. Children learn more from our actions than our words. Modelling compassion and forgiveness yourself will go a very long way in teaching your children to be kind.
Tip #7: Be Kind to Yourself. We have all experienced how, when we are feeling stressed, at the end of our rope or unhappy – not to mention angry or wronged in some way – it can be difficult to feel open-hearted and kind towards others. Kindness and emotional health are wrapped up together; growing one grows the other.
Research shows that 50% of our happiness level is determined by a genetic ‘set point,’ 10% is determined by our life circumstances, and 40% is determined by our intentional activities. Practicing evidence-based approaches to growing happiness and well-being – such as practicing gratitude (e.g. a gratitude journal), nurturing positive social relationships, learning to forgive, practicing mindfulness, exercising and simply getting into the habit of savouring life’s joys, can go a long way in creating a happier family life. If we prioritize being gentle with and kind to ourselves, kindness to others will flow naturally.
– With thanks to Dr. Kimberly Schonert-Reichl, Dr. Felix Warneken and other researchers in the field of positive psychology.
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